The last few years I have not been kind to me.
I had settled into a self-indulgent stew of negativity and self-doubt. Questioning my existence, my worth and my reason for living.
On the outside I was all charm and roses.
What you would call a high functioning depressive.
I managed to live my life, love my partner and daughters but... there was something dismally wrong, my soul was distraught with the acceptance of the half life I had chosen to live. It was like my soul soundtrack was on mute and I couldn't hit the volume to high no matter what I tried.
I sought solace in oracles, spirit guides, misfits and muses.
Always looking to the outside, externally, slowly sinking in the quicksand of my doubt. I consulted numerology, astrology and the akashic records.
I discovered pieces of the puzzle but I just could not get them to fit. It was like attempting to squeeze my curvy size 16 body into the perfect size 10 skinny jeans.
An impossible dream and a very brutal reality check.
I was searching.
Desperately seeking my passion and pursuing my purpose and she was being a bitch, a hard to get temptress, allowing me a glimpse of her desire, teasing me with her promise of pleasure and pushing me to the edge of pointlessness.
I was uncomfortably numb.
Of course there were aha moments and moments of clarity, however they were clouded with the self-sabotage strategies that I seemed to have perfected.
The questioning, the changing of mind, the spinning in circles, the back and forth-ing the to and fro-ing.
The dance of disconnection.
Displeased with the decisions I had made.
What if the path was blocked, what if it wasn't the right way with blessings and abundance strewn upon the path like the flowers that I loved?
Would I be eternally lost? Sentenced to a lifetime of longing?
I attempted a type of stillness.
Mindfulness whilst minding my own business. This only made me more restless and increased the craving I had cultivated for creativity.
Creativity had been my contentment, in the past. Allowing me to express the essence that radiated from my rainbow heart.
What does a Goddess do when she feels that the gifts she has to to give are unworthy, undesired and unloved?
It was a slow and beautiful awakening to the realisation that the rejection and neglect was coming from me.
I was stonewalling my soul.
Deep down in the very darkest place of myself came the small roar ... what if I was enough?
What if everything was in perfect alignment and my only purpose was to passionately pursue my pleasure and make love to every moment?
Photo Credits: Me, My-Selfie and I
This was the beginning of my
Red Hot And Ravishing Revolution.
My re-connection to Red.
To the fire of my passion.
To the calling of my soul.
The re-birth of my desires.
To the unleashing of my beautiful.
To the unequivocal knowing that,
I am enough.
So it is with this enoughness that I have finally committed to my Red.
As Red demands my undivided attention.
She (Red) requires passionate presence and making moments of love daily. It is in this heightened state of desire that I realise I am living my life out loud and luscious, flying the vibrant flag of fabulous on behalf of my sister Goddesses.
So with a hand on my heart I have renewed my vows of beauty, passion and adornment.
I have made a promise to love myself through thick and slim, through the greying of hair and the aging of skin.
To share my Goddess given gifts and to shed my cloak of invisibility, with arms open to cherish and celebrate the women who have graced me with the honour of guiding them on the path of the Gorgeous Goddess.
I have completely fallen for my Red and I know I will never betray her and it feels like...
PS. I have created a gift for you below.
An affirmation art piece, featuring a love bloom I captured on one of my wisdom wanders.
It has been infused with love and light.
Print it and put on your wall or fridge or use as a screensaver.
Repeat the magical words ...
I am enough
out loud with love and passion daily.
Then wait for your magic to begin.